You want to help—but everything you say feels wrong.
This guide offers compassionate, research-backed advice for coworkers and friends supporting someone grieving at work—what helps, what hurts, and how to hold space wisely.
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What Helps
Acknowledge the Loss—Even If You Fumble
Silence—especially from someone the griever sees every day—can feel like abandonment. Don’t wait for the perfect words. Just show up.
Try: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m really sorry.”
Offer Practical, Specific Support
- “Can I bring you lunch this week?”
- “I’m happy to take notes for you during team meetings.”
- “Would you like help reviewing emails you missed?”
Bonanno et al. (2005) found grief often impairs memory, attention, and decision-making—so specific offers reduce pressure.
Normalize Their Fluctuations
Grief isn’t linear. One day they may talk. The next, they may withdraw. Your consistency is more comforting than your eloquence.
What Hurts
Clichés That Shut Down Emotion
Well-meaning but dismissive phrases to avoid:
- “At least they’re no longer in pain.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
Wortman & Silver (2001) found that clichés often leave grievers feeling unseen and emotionally silenced.
Making It About You
Grief isn’t a time to share your own story unless asked. Instead try:
“I can’t imagine how this feels, but I’m here.”
Pressuring “Recovery”
Comments like “Are you feeling better yet?” or “You should be past this” push unrealistic expectations on people grieving.
Helpful and Harmful Phrases
Say This:
- “I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of you.”
- “Would you like to talk or take a break together?”
- “Take your time. We’ve got you covered.”
- “You’re not alone. I’m here when you need.”
Not This:
- “Time heals everything.”
- “They’re in a better place.”
- “Be strong.”
- “You should be back to normal by now.”
Before You Text or Visit: A Personal Checklist
- Am I reaching out to support them—or to reduce my own discomfort?
- Have I noticed they want space or conversation lately?
- Am I offering something they need, or just more decisions?
- Am I okay with not getting a response?
- Do I understand their faith or culture—or should I gently ask?
Reminder: Support doesn’t always need to involve words. Sometimes presence alone is enough.
A Grief-Aware Workplace
Grief-aware workplaces aren’t just reactive—they are proactive, compassionate, and culturally mindful.
- Flexible reentry policies after loss
- Managers trained to lead with empathy and patience
- Team awareness of milestones (e.g. anniversaries)
- Permission for grief breaks or camera-off meetings
- Respect for mourning rituals across faiths
“Healthy teams hold space—not just productivity. They know grief isn’t weakness. It’s love with nowhere to go.”
When Support Becomes Too Much
Even kindness can become overwhelming when it comes from every direction all at once.
Signs of Support Fatigue:
- Delayed or no responses
- Emotional withdrawal or irritability
- Increased absence or “busy” behavior
What Helps Instead:
- One designated contact person from the team
- Low-pressure actions like meals, childcare, errands
- Permission for space: “I’m here when you need, and also if you need quiet.”
“You can still be present without being visible. Quiet care counts.” — Solviah
If You Barely Know Them, But Still Care
You don’t need to be close to be kind.
- Leave a note or card: “Thinking of you and wishing you comfort.”
- Offer a gentle smile or nod without words
- Say a simple, warm line like: “Just wanted to say—I’m sorry for your loss.”
Tip: Avoid saying nothing at all. A small gesture makes a big difference.
Support Timeline
| Time Frame | What Helps Most |
|---|---|
| Week 1–2 | Brief check-ins, flexibility, meals, shared silence |
| Week 3–4 | Soft reentry, task-sharing, grace for forgetfulness |
| Month 2–3 | Remembering milestones; invitations with no pressure |
| After Month 3 | Long-term support, sensitivity to emotional waves |
Supporting Grief in Remote or Hybrid Work
Digital distance doesn’t protect people from grief—it just hides it better.
Helpful Practices:
- Send a private message acknowledging the loss
- Offer flexibility on deadlines or camera-off days
- Let them lead in how much they want to talk or share
What to Avoid:
- Forcing video meetings
- Assuming they’re “fine” because they’re responsive
- Going silent—especially when others in-office offer support
For Team Leaders and HR
If you manage a team or work in HR, your compassion sets the tone.
- Check in privately: “We’re so sorry for your loss. What would support look like for you right now?”
- Provide autonomy: Ask if they prefer quiet return or open acknowledgment
- Encourage peer boundaries: One designated point of contact can reduce emotional overwhelm
- Support long-term: Grief resurfaces months later. Stay aware around holidays and anniversaries
“Compassionate leadership is not just kind—it’s protective.” — Solviah
You don’t need the right words—you just need to show up with love.
Share Your Story
Have you supported a grieving coworker—or been the one grieving at work?
Share what helped (or hurt) in the comments below. Your story may offer peace and practical guidance to someone else navigating the same season.
Glossary
- Grief – The emotional and psychological response to loss.
- Bereavement – The mourning period following the death of someone close.
- Disenfranchised grief – Grief that is not socially acknowledged or supported.
- Cognitive fog – A state of forgetfulness or distraction often experienced during grief.
References
- Bonanno, G. A., Papa, A., Lalande, K., Zhang, N., & Noll, J. G. (2005). Grief processing and deliberate grief avoidance. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(4), 679–684.
- Wortman, C. B., & Silver, R. C. (2001). The myths of coping with loss revisited. In Stroebe, M. S., et al. (Eds.), Handbook of bereavement research (pp. 405–429). APA.
- Doka, K. J., & Martin, T. L. (2010). Grieving beyond gender: Understanding the ways men and women mourn. Routledge.
Solviah 