Solviah

Honoring Life, Embracing Memories

Tag: what to say after death

  • What to Give Instead of Flowers: Meaningful Memorial Gifts That Truly Help

    What to Give Instead of Flowers: Meaningful Memorial Gifts That Truly Help

    You want to help, but everything you say feels wrong. 💬

    You scroll through sympathy cards, hover over flower delivery buttons, and type and delete messages over and over again. A friend or coworker is grieving—and you want to offer something that brings real comfort. But everything feels either too impersonal, too cheesy, or too much.

    You’re not alone in this awkward, aching space. This guide will walk you through exactly what to do, what to give, what to say—and how to be the kind of presence that gently lingers after the flowers have wilted.

    What Helps: Gifts That Gently Walk Beside Their Grief

    Grief experts emphasize that the best support isn’t loud or flashy—it’s quiet, present, and lasting. Memorial gifts are most impactful when they help a person honor the life that was lost or gently ease the weight of daily living (Neimeyer, 2012; Doka, 2014).

    Tangible Comforts

    • ✉️ Handwritten letter with memories or admiration for the person who died
    • 🔔 Customized keepsake (engraved wind chime, personalized candle, framed poem)
    • 📖 Memory book or journal with prompts like “My favorite memory of you…”
    • 🖼️ Photo album or scrapbook, digital or printed

    Practical Support

    • 🍲 Meal delivery gift cards or home-cooked food
    • 🧹 Errand help: offer to do school pick-up, laundry, or yard work
    • 🎁 Grief “comfort” basket with tea, warm socks, tissues, hand cream, and a note

    Symbolic Gestures

    • 🌳 Plant a tree or donate to an environmental cause in their name
    • 💛 Support a cause the deceased cared about
    • ⭐ Name a star, adopt a bee, or support animal sanctuaries in their memory

    “Small gestures, consistently offered, create the softest landing for grief.”

    Explore more in our Honoring a Life collection →

    When Should You Send a Memorial Gift?

    It’s never too late to be thoughtful. 🕯️

    The first 3 days often bring a flood of flowers and messages—but within 3 weeks, the support fades. That’s when your gesture means the most.

    • After the funeral, when silence starts settling in
    • On the 1-month, 3-month, or 1-year mark
    • Around holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries
    • When you think of them—just because

    “Grief doesn’t expire. Neither should your support.”

    What to Give Based on Your Relationship

    The type of gift often depends on your closeness. Here’s a guide to help:

    RelationshipMemorial Gift Ideas
    Coworker / AcquaintanceSympathy card, donation in their loved one’s name, grief book, digital gift card for meals
    Close Friend / FamilyPersonal memory letter, meal train, engraved keepsake, time together doing something quiet
    Neighbor / Community MemberBasket of snacks, offering to help with chores, drop-off meal, seasonal plant or candle

    More ideas available in our Grief & Healing section →

    Culturally Aware Gift Ideas

    • 🕍 Jewish: Shiva baskets (kosher only), tree planting, avoid flowers
    • ⛪ Christian: Scripture prints, hymn plaques, cross jewelry (only if appropriate)
    • 🛕 Hindu: Avoid meat, leather, or alcohol gifts
    • ☮️ Non-religious: Neutral items like candles, cozy blankets, or memory books
    • 🕌 Muslim: Avoid imagery; offer practical support or charitable donations

    Learn more in our Culture & Spirituality section →

    Before You Text or Visit: A Personal Checklist ✅

    • Am I centering their needs, not mine?
    • Have I checked their culture or preferences?
    • Am I offering something specific (not just “Let me know if you need anything”)?
    • Am I okay with silence, tears, or no response?
    • Will I check in again weeks later?

    What Hurts: Kind Intentions, Unhelpful Impact

    Words or gifts intended to comfort can sometimes cause pain. (Doka, 2014)

    Avoid Saying:

    • “They’re in a better place now.”
    • “Everything happens for a reason.”
    • “At least you had time to say goodbye.”
    • “I know exactly how you feel.”

    Avoid Giving:

    • 🚫 Strong-smelling candles or lotions
    • 🚫 Religious items if you don’t know their beliefs
    • 🚫 Joke gifts or spa kits too soon

    “Comfort isn’t about cheering them up. It’s about holding space for their sadness.”

    What to Say (and What Not to)

    “I don’t know what to say” is always better than saying the wrong thing. 🤝

    Phrases That Truly Help:

    • “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
    • “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”
    • “Would you like me to share a memory I have of them?”
    • “I’ve been thinking of you and holding you in my heart.”
    • “There’s no rush to reply—I just wanted you to know I care.”

    Don’t Say:

    • “Time heals all wounds.”
    • “Stay strong.”
    • “It’s God’s plan.” (unless you’re sure it would comfort them)

    The Psychology Behind Memorial Gifts

    Memorial gifts support continuing bonds—the healthy, ongoing emotional connection with someone after death (Klass, Silverman & Nickman, 1996).

    Grieving people don’t move on—they move forward, carrying their love with them. Memorial gestures say:

    “Their life mattered. Their memory matters. I see you in your grief.”

    Normalize Awkwardness: Your Support Doesn’t Need to Be Perfect

    There are no magic words. You may stumble. You may cry. You may say something awkward. That’s okay. Showing up, again and again, matters most.

    As Dr. Kenneth Doka wisely said:
    “There are no magic words—only the healing power of compassionate presence.”

    “The most meaningful gift wasn’t what she brought. It was that she stayed while I cried.”

    Glossary

    • Bereavement: The experience of losing someone through death.
    • Grief Etiquette: Norms and sensitivities around supporting those grieving.
    • Memorial Gift: A meaningful token or act given to honor someone who has died.
    • Continuing Bonds: Ongoing connection to a loved one after death.
    • Tangible Support: Physical help such as food, errands, or care.

    Share Your Story: Has someone done something for you that truly helped during grief? Or did you find a creative way to support a friend? Share your thoughts in the comments below! ✍️

    References

    • Breen, L. J., & O’Connor, M. (2020). Family and social networks after bereavement: Disruption and change. Death Studies, 44(3), 145–155. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2019.1574014
    • Doka, K. J. (2014). Grief is a Journey: Finding Your Path through Loss. Atria Books.
    • Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (1996). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis.
    • Neimeyer, R. A. (2012). Techniques of Grief Therapy: Creative Practices for Counseling the Bereaved. Routledge.
  • Your Employee Just Lost Someone: How to Show Real Support

    Your Employee Just Lost Someone: How to Show Real Support

    How to offer genuine compassion when you’re out of words—and resources.

    You want to help, but everything you say feels wrong.

    As a leader, you’re used to solving problems. But when an employee experiences an unexpected loss—a spouse, a parent, a child—there’s no spreadsheet or strategy to make it better. You may not be able to offer time off beyond the basics. There may be no budget for flowers, meals, or grief stipends.

    But support isn’t always about resources. It’s about presence, emotional intelligence, and cultural humility.

    This guide offers grounded, evidence-informed ways to walk with your employee through grief—without overstepping, overpromising, or feeling helpless.

    💬 What Helps: Grief-Sensitive Leadership

    1. Acknowledge the Loss Immediately

    Don’t ignore it. Don’t wait.

    Even if you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, silence can feel like dismissal. A simple, heartfelt message like:

    “I was so sorry to hear what happened. Please don’t worry about work right now. I’m here to support you however I can.”

    This kind of outreach validates their experience, without asking anything of them in return.

    📚 Psych Insight: Grief researchers Stroebe & Schut (1999) describe the need to oscillate between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented processes. Acknowledgment of grief allows the bereaved to feel grounded in reality, making it easier to transition into routines when ready.

    2. Provide Emotional Flexibility, Not Just Time Off

    Bereavement policies vary—but grief doesn’t follow HR timelines.

    Even if you can’t extend paid leave, offer autonomy:

    • Allow flexible hours or remote work
    • Temporarily remove high-pressure tasks
    • Create buffer days for decompression

    This doesn’t cost money. It costs trust—and it builds loyalty.

    3. Communicate With Consent

    Ask:

    “Would you like me to inform the team, or would you prefer to keep things private for now?”

    Let the employee lead their narrative. If they’re open to team acknowledgment, it gives others the opportunity to show support in gentle, nonintrusive ways.

    4. Normalize Temporary Changes in Behavior

    Grief can show up as:

    • Forgetfulness
    • Irritability
    • Low energy
    • Social withdrawal

    These behaviors aren’t signs of disengagement. They’re symptoms of a brain processing trauma. By normalizing them without judgment, you create a safe space for healing.

    📚 Clinical Insight: According to Bonanno (2009), resilience is the norm in grief—but it’s often hidden behind visible distress. Temporary dips in performance are not red flags; they’re the cost of continuing on.

    5. Model Empathy for the Whole Team

    You set the tone. If you rush your employee back into productivity, the team will do the same. If you show grace, others will follow.

    This might sound like:

    “Let’s give them extra space this week—no urgent follow-ups unless it’s essential.”

    “Just a heads-up: they’re going through something heavy. Let’s be gentle with timelines.”

    🚫 What Hurts: Common Missteps

    1. Dismissing Grief with Platitudes

    Avoid:

    • “They’re in a better place.”
    • “At least you had time with them.”
    • “Everything happens for a reason.”

    Even well-intended, these statements can feel minimizing. You don’t need to make sense of someone else’s pain.

    2. Offering Comparisons

    Don’t share your grief unless invited; instead, prioritize their experience and offer them the space to express their feelings. Grief is a deeply personal journey and should never feel like a competition. By listening empathetically, you validate their emotions and help create a safe environment for healing. Focus on being present and supportive, always respecting the unique nature of their journey.

    3. Disappearing After Week One

    Grief lingers long after the funeral, often surfacing at unexpected moments and in overwhelming ways. Reach out regularly, not just in the immediate days following the loss, but throughout the months ahead, as silence can foster a sense of isolation. A heartfelt message or a simple phone call can offer immense comfort, gently reminding those who are grieving that they are not alone in their journey. As time goes on, continued support becomes an essential lifeline, allowing them to navigate their feelings and heal at a pace that feels right for them.

    🗣️ What to Say (And What Not To)

    ✅ Phrases to Say:

    • “I’m here if you ever need space or someone to talk to.”
    • “No pressure to reply—just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.”
    • “Would it help if I took something off your plate this week?”

    ❌ Phrases to Avoid:

    • “You’re strong, you’ve got this.”
    • “It was their time.”
    • “Let me know if you need anything.” (Instead, offer something specific.)

    For more on this, explore our Grief & Healing page.

    🌍 Cultural & Spiritual Sensitivity

    Grief practices are not universal. Silence may be sacred in one culture and avoided in another. Fasting, rituals, memorials, or periods of solitude may differ.

    Ask respectfully:

    “Are there any cultural or spiritual practices you’re observing that we should be mindful of?”

    Then step back. Listen. Respect. Your humility may be remembered more than your words.

    Explore more in our Culture & Spirituality section.

    ✉️ Scripts for Real Situations

    📩 First Email or Message

    “Hi [Name], I just heard about your loss, and I wanted to extend my heartfelt condolences. Please take all the time you need. We’re thinking of you, and I’m here for anything you might need—big or small.”

    💼 Return to Work Welcome

    “Welcome back, [Name]. There’s no pressure to dive back into everything at once. We’re here to support you however you need, and your wellbeing comes first.”

    📅 Holiday or Anniversary Check-In

    “I know this season might bring up a lot. Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and am here if you need anything at all.”

    ✅ Before You Act: A Manager’s Checklist

    • 🔲 Have I acknowledged the loss without prying?
    • 🔲 Have I offered specific, no-pressure support?
    • 🔲 Have I adjusted workload or deadlines where possible?
    • 🔲 Have I given the team guidance on how to be respectful?
    • 🔲 Am I prepared to keep checking in—without being overbearing?

    🧰 Manager’s Grief Response Toolkit (Written Version)

    Principles of Care:

    • Lead with compassion, not correction
    • Focus on flexibility, not fixes
    • Speak with empathy, not urgency

    Key Phrases:

    • “There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.”
    • “You don’t have to carry everything today.”
    • “Would it help if I… [offered concrete support]?”

    Leadership Reminders:

    • Grief isn’t unprofessional—it’s human.
    • Your presence matters more than your performance.
    • Support without solutions is still support.

    Explore More:

    References (APA Style):

    • Bonanno, G. A. (2009). The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss. Basic Books.
    • Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224.
    • Center for Workplace Mental Health. (2022). Supporting Employees Through Grief. Retrieved from https://workplacementalhealth.org