“I can’t think straight. I’m not in the same state. I don’t know what to do. Help!”
The Moment That Shatters Everything
The phone rang.
The words hit like a punch:
“I’m so sorry… they’re gone.”
You freeze.
You stare at nothing.
You forget where your shoes are. You walk into a room and forget why.
Your hands are shaking, but your heart hasn’t caught up yet.
This is trauma. This is grief in motion. You’re in the foggy aftermath of the unthinkable.
And even though it feels like the world is spinning around you, you don’t have to figure this out alone.
This guide was created for you — the person who just heard, “They died.”
Maybe you’re across the country. Maybe you’re holding a crying child. Maybe you can’t cry at all.
You are not doing this wrong.
Let’s walk forward. Gently. Together. 🕊️
Crisis Grounding First
Pause. Breathe. Sit Down.
Place your hand on your chest.
Inhale for 4 seconds. Hold. Exhale for 6.
Now again. One more time.
You don’t need to do everything right now.
This guide will walk you step by step.
Case Study #1: Anna’s Story (Loss from Afar)
Anna was mid-flight when her brother texted:
“Mom’s gone. It was a heart attack. Paramedics tried. I’m so sorry.”
“I was stuck in Dallas. I didn’t know where to go. I walked around the airport for 40 minutes before I realized I was just walking in circles.”
She called her mom’s best friend. Cried in an airport chapel. Texted work:
“Emergency. Death in the family.”
A stranger helped her rebook her flight.
“I had no plan. But the checklist below gave me a rhythm. I just did the next thing. And then the next.”
What to Do When Someone Dies Suddenly: The First 5 Days
🗓️ Day 1 – Shock + Survival
If you’re not there:
- Call the hospital, coroner, or hospice to confirm the death
- Ask what’s happening with the body (transfer, autopsy, etc.)
- If elsewhere, authorities will begin protocols (911, coroner)
Travel if needed:
- Ask a friend to help you book
- Bring ID, clothes, a notebook, phone charger
- Don’t overthink packing
Notify your workplace:
“There’s been a sudden death in my immediate family. I’m traveling and unavailable. I’ll update as I can.”
🗓️ Day 2 – Logistics Begin
Make the following calls:
- A funeral home (many will pick up the body)
- Close family/friends
- A support person to help with meals, rides, or child care
Locate essential documents:
- ID (yours and theirs)
- Insurance, will, power of attorney
- Medical paperwork
👉 Don’t forget to rest. Cry. Eat something small. Write things down... thoughts, what you’ve done, anything.
🗓️ Day 3 – Decisions + Pressure
This is often when pressure begins: extended family asking questions, funeral planning, etc.
You can go at your own pace.
You may need to:
- Order death certificates (request 10–15 copies)
- Begin funeral or memorial planning
- Notify Social Security (1-800-772-1213)
- Cancel medications, hospice, or in-home care services
🗓️ Day 4 – The Shock Begins to Fade
The calls slow. Reality sets in.
You may feel guilt, anger, emptiness, exhaustion… even moments of relief.
All of this is normal.
Consider:
- Asking others to handle communication or errands
- Creating a memory board or private journal
- Letting yourself feel whatever comes up
🗓️ Day 5 – A New Grief Rhythm Begins
Today might be the day you:
- Choose an obituary photo
- Return to your home
- Sit in silence for the first time
- Wonder if the worst is behind you or ahead
Whatever today looks like—you’re doing better than you think.
Case Study #2: Jason’s Story (With Children)
Jason’s wife passed from a sudden embolism. His kids were 5 and 8.
“I had to tell them. And I didn’t know how. I googled it at 3am and still couldn’t do it.”
Eventually, he said:
“Mommy’s body stopped working. The doctors tried very hard, but they couldn’t help. She died, which means she can’t come back. We are going to miss her very much.”
He asked a neighbor to watch the kids for a few hours while he made arrangements.
“I needed ten minutes alone to fall apart. And then ten more to call the funeral home.”
What Grief Looks Like in Crisis
- Forgetting appointments, names, or entire conversations
- Laughing one moment, sobbing the next
- Not feeling anything at all
- Needing silence—or needing to talk nonstop
- Feeling like time isn’t real
You are not broken.
Grief lives in your body as much as your heart. This is biology, not failure.
What NOT to Do (And That’s Okay)
🚫 Don’t rush to clean their home
🚫 Don’t pressure yourself to answer every text
🚫 Don’t feel guilty if you laugh
🚫 Don’t try to carry everything alone
Gentle Words You Can Use
To a coworker:
“Thanks for checking in. I’m not ready to talk, but I appreciate your message.”
To extended family:
“I’m still processing. I’ll share details when I’m able.”
To a child:
“We can talk about this again later, or tomorrow, or as many times as you need. I’m here.”
Need Cultural or Spiritual Guidance?
Not sure what rituals or practices are expected in your tradition?
We’ve created a special space for that. Visit:
👉 Culture & Spirituality
Affirmations for the Fog
🫶 I am not broken
🫶 I don’t have to rush
🫶 I can ask for help
🫶 I am allowed to grieve
🫶 I am doing enough
Your Voice Matters
Have you been through sudden loss?
What helped you get through those first few days?
What do you wish someone had told you?
💬 Please share your thoughts or experiences in the comments.
Your story could bring hope to someone who feels lost right now.
Sources:
- Mayo Clinic Hospice (2023). Bereavement support: What to expect – https://www.mayoclinic.org
- National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (2022). What to do after a death occurs – https://www.nhpco.org
- Social Security Administration (2023). What you need to know when someone dies – https://www.ssa.gov
Solviah 