You want to help, but everything you say feels wrong.
You sit with your phone in your hand, staring at the screen. What could possibly make this better? “I’m sorry”? “Thinking of you”? Nothing feels right. You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing—so you say nothing.
But your silence might hurt more than your stumble.
This guide offers gentle, real-world ways to support someone experiencing miscarriage or infertility—grounded in psychology, etiquette, and spiritual kindness.
Table of Contents
🌿 Why This Grief Hurts So Much
This isn’t just sadness. It’s grief over a future that never arrived. A nursery unpainted. A name never whispered aloud. A story interrupted before it began.
“I didn’t just lose a pregnancy. I lost bedtime stories, birthday cakes, and the feeling of tiny arms around my neck.”
💛 What Helps
1. Gentle presence
“I’m here if you ever want to talk—or not talk.” Just showing up quietly can be a gift.
2. Acts of service
Drop off meals. Offer rides. Water their plants. Love in action often speaks louder than words.
3. Remembering dates
Mark the due date, the loss, or even the silence. Send a note: “Thinking of you today.”
4. Symbolic gestures
Light a candle, gift a stone, or help plant a flower. Honor the invisible with something tangible.
5. Open-ended support
Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try: “Would it help if I ran an errand or sent soup?”
⚠️ What Hurts
- “At least you were early.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “You can try again.”
- “It wasn’t meant to be.”
- Silence. Ignoring their pain completely.
These phrases often minimize or erase grief. When in doubt, say less—but mean more.
🗣️ What to Say (and What Not To)
Words That Comfort
- “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how much this hurts.”
- “I’m here with you. I don’t have the right words, but I’m not going anywhere.”
- “This grief is real. Your loss matters.”
- “Would you like to tell me about them?”
- “Would you like space, or would it help to talk?”
Words to Avoid
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “At least it wasn’t later.”
- “You can always adopt.”
- “It wasn’t meant to be.”
- “It’s better this way.”
“When in doubt, say less and listen more. Their grief isn’t a puzzle to solve—it’s a wound to witness.”
✅ Before You Text or Visit…
Use this simple reflection checklist before reaching out:
- Am I centering them and not my discomfort?
- Have I avoided offering fixes or spiritual platitudes?
- Have I created space for silence, if that’s what they need?
- Am I okay being present without a clear “role”?
- Have I offered something simple and supportive?
⏳ Supporting Them Long-Term
Grief doesn’t fade quickly. Sometimes it doesn’t fade at all—it just changes shape.
Ways to Show You Still Remember
- Send a gentle text on their due date or milestone day.
- Invite them into life, but honor their “no” without pressure.
- Ask them again how they are, even months later.
- Celebrate healing steps, but never assume they’re “over it.”
🕯️ Ritual, Reflection, and Spiritual Space
Honor their beliefs, even if they’re different from your own. Create space for comfort, tradition, and silence.
“Grief is love with nowhere to go.” — Jamie Anderson
Consider asking:
“Do you have a way you like to remember or honor them? I’d love to support that.”
Learn more in Culture & Spirituality.
🏢 Support at Work or as an Acquaintance
- Send a card, note, or flower—not a text.
- Don’t expect them to “bounce back.”
- Give them grace in deadlines and conversation.
- Support policies for bereavement leave or counseling.
- Say something—acknowledgement goes a long way.
🤲 10 Silent Gestures of Support
- 🕯️ Light a candle in their honor and text a photo
- 🌸 Leave flowers or tea on their doorstep
- ✉️ Mail a handwritten card with no expectations
- 🧺 Drop off groceries or laundry service
- 📅 Send a calendar invite for a quiet walk
- 🧸 Donate a toy or blanket in the baby’s name
- 📚 Gift a journal, art set, or grief book
- 🚘 Offer to drive them to an appointment
- 🌱 Plant something that grows
- 🕊️ Sit with them in silence without advice
📖 Glossary
- Miscarriage: Loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks
- Stillbirth: Loss after 20 weeks gestation
- Infertility: Inability to conceive after 12 months
- IVF: In-vitro fertilization (assisted reproduction)
- Disenfranchised grief: Grief that’s not publicly acknowledged or supported
References
- Badenhorst, W., & Hughes, P. (2007). Psychological aspects of miscarriage: Attitudes of medical professionals. British Journal of General Practice, 57(543), 878–880.
- Lang, A., Fleiszer, A., Duhamel, F., Sword, W., Gilbert, K., & Corsini-Munt, S. (2011). Perinatal loss and parental grief. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 63(2), 183–196.
- Worden, J. W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy (4th ed.). Springer Publishing.
Solviah 
💬 Share Your Voice
Have you supported someone through miscarriage or infertility? Or gone through it yourself? Your insight could be a lifeline for someone else.
Please share your story or encouragement in the comments below. You never know who might need it.