You want to help, but everything you say feels wrong. 💬
You scroll through sympathy cards, hover over flower delivery buttons, and type and delete messages over and over again. A friend or coworker is grieving—and you want to offer something that brings real comfort. But everything feels either too impersonal, too cheesy, or too much.
You’re not alone in this awkward, aching space. This guide will walk you through exactly what to do, what to give, what to say—and how to be the kind of presence that gently lingers after the flowers have wilted.
What Helps: Gifts That Gently Walk Beside Their Grief
Grief experts emphasize that the best support isn’t loud or flashy—it’s quiet, present, and lasting. Memorial gifts are most impactful when they help a person honor the life that was lost or gently ease the weight of daily living (Neimeyer, 2012; Doka, 2014).
Tangible Comforts
- ✉️ Handwritten letter with memories or admiration for the person who died
- 🔔 Customized keepsake (engraved wind chime, personalized candle, framed poem)
- 📖 Memory book or journal with prompts like “My favorite memory of you…”
- 🖼️ Photo album or scrapbook, digital or printed
Practical Support
- 🍲 Meal delivery gift cards or home-cooked food
- 🧹 Errand help: offer to do school pick-up, laundry, or yard work
- 🎁 Grief “comfort” basket with tea, warm socks, tissues, hand cream, and a note
Symbolic Gestures
- 🌳 Plant a tree or donate to an environmental cause in their name
- 💛 Support a cause the deceased cared about
- ⭐ Name a star, adopt a bee, or support animal sanctuaries in their memory
“Small gestures, consistently offered, create the softest landing for grief.”
Explore more in our Honoring a Life collection →
When Should You Send a Memorial Gift?
It’s never too late to be thoughtful. 🕯️
The first 3 days often bring a flood of flowers and messages—but within 3 weeks, the support fades. That’s when your gesture means the most.
- After the funeral, when silence starts settling in
- On the 1-month, 3-month, or 1-year mark
- Around holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries
- When you think of them—just because
“Grief doesn’t expire. Neither should your support.”
What to Give Based on Your Relationship
The type of gift often depends on your closeness. Here’s a guide to help:
| Relationship | Memorial Gift Ideas |
|---|---|
| Coworker / Acquaintance | Sympathy card, donation in their loved one’s name, grief book, digital gift card for meals |
| Close Friend / Family | Personal memory letter, meal train, engraved keepsake, time together doing something quiet |
| Neighbor / Community Member | Basket of snacks, offering to help with chores, drop-off meal, seasonal plant or candle |
More ideas available in our Grief & Healing section →
Culturally Aware Gift Ideas
- 🕍 Jewish: Shiva baskets (kosher only), tree planting, avoid flowers
- ⛪ Christian: Scripture prints, hymn plaques, cross jewelry (only if appropriate)
- 🛕 Hindu: Avoid meat, leather, or alcohol gifts
- ☮️ Non-religious: Neutral items like candles, cozy blankets, or memory books
- 🕌 Muslim: Avoid imagery; offer practical support or charitable donations
Learn more in our Culture & Spirituality section →
Before You Text or Visit: A Personal Checklist ✅
- Am I centering their needs, not mine?
- Have I checked their culture or preferences?
- Am I offering something specific (not just “Let me know if you need anything”)?
- Am I okay with silence, tears, or no response?
- Will I check in again weeks later?
What Hurts: Kind Intentions, Unhelpful Impact
Words or gifts intended to comfort can sometimes cause pain. (Doka, 2014)
Avoid Saying:
- “They’re in a better place now.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “At least you had time to say goodbye.”
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
Avoid Giving:
- 🚫 Strong-smelling candles or lotions
- 🚫 Religious items if you don’t know their beliefs
- 🚫 Joke gifts or spa kits too soon
“Comfort isn’t about cheering them up. It’s about holding space for their sadness.”
What to Say (and What Not to)
“I don’t know what to say” is always better than saying the wrong thing. 🤝
Phrases That Truly Help:
- “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”
- “Would you like me to share a memory I have of them?”
- “I’ve been thinking of you and holding you in my heart.”
- “There’s no rush to reply—I just wanted you to know I care.”
Don’t Say:
- “Time heals all wounds.”
- “Stay strong.”
- “It’s God’s plan.” (unless you’re sure it would comfort them)
The Psychology Behind Memorial Gifts
Memorial gifts support continuing bonds—the healthy, ongoing emotional connection with someone after death (Klass, Silverman & Nickman, 1996).
Grieving people don’t move on—they move forward, carrying their love with them. Memorial gestures say:
“Their life mattered. Their memory matters. I see you in your grief.”
Normalize Awkwardness: Your Support Doesn’t Need to Be Perfect
There are no magic words. You may stumble. You may cry. You may say something awkward. That’s okay. Showing up, again and again, matters most.
As Dr. Kenneth Doka wisely said:
“There are no magic words—only the healing power of compassionate presence.”
“The most meaningful gift wasn’t what she brought. It was that she stayed while I cried.”
Glossary
- Bereavement: The experience of losing someone through death.
- Grief Etiquette: Norms and sensitivities around supporting those grieving.
- Memorial Gift: A meaningful token or act given to honor someone who has died.
- Continuing Bonds: Ongoing connection to a loved one after death.
- Tangible Support: Physical help such as food, errands, or care.
Share Your Story: Has someone done something for you that truly helped during grief? Or did you find a creative way to support a friend? Share your thoughts in the comments below! ✍️
References
- Breen, L. J., & O’Connor, M. (2020). Family and social networks after bereavement: Disruption and change. Death Studies, 44(3), 145–155. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2019.1574014
- Doka, K. J. (2014). Grief is a Journey: Finding Your Path through Loss. Atria Books.
- Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (1996). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis.
- Neimeyer, R. A. (2012). Techniques of Grief Therapy: Creative Practices for Counseling the Bereaved. Routledge.
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