Solviah

Honoring Life, Embracing Memories

Tag: grief at work

  • Supporting a Grieving Friend at Work: What to Say, What to Do, and What to Avoid

    Supporting a Grieving Friend at Work: What to Say, What to Do, and What to Avoid

    You want to help—but everything you say feels wrong.

    This guide offers compassionate, research-backed advice for coworkers and friends supporting someone grieving at work—what helps, what hurts, and how to hold space wisely.

    What Helps

    Acknowledge the Loss—Even If You Fumble

    Silence—especially from someone the griever sees every day—can feel like abandonment. Don’t wait for the perfect words. Just show up.

    Try: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m really sorry.”

    Offer Practical, Specific Support

    • “Can I bring you lunch this week?”
    • “I’m happy to take notes for you during team meetings.”
    • “Would you like help reviewing emails you missed?”

    Bonanno et al. (2005) found grief often impairs memory, attention, and decision-making—so specific offers reduce pressure.

    Normalize Their Fluctuations

    Grief isn’t linear. One day they may talk. The next, they may withdraw. Your consistency is more comforting than your eloquence.

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    What Hurts

    Clichés That Shut Down Emotion

    Well-meaning but dismissive phrases to avoid:

    • “At least they’re no longer in pain.”
    • “Everything happens for a reason.”
    • “They wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

    Wortman & Silver (2001) found that clichés often leave grievers feeling unseen and emotionally silenced.

    Making It About You

    Grief isn’t a time to share your own story unless asked. Instead try:

    “I can’t imagine how this feels, but I’m here.”

    Pressuring “Recovery”

    Comments like “Are you feeling better yet?” or “You should be past this” push unrealistic expectations on people grieving.

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    Helpful and Harmful Phrases

    Say This:

    • “I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of you.”
    • “Would you like to talk or take a break together?”
    • “Take your time. We’ve got you covered.”
    • “You’re not alone. I’m here when you need.”

    Not This:

    • “Time heals everything.”
    • “They’re in a better place.”
    • “Be strong.”
    • “You should be back to normal by now.”

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    Before You Text or Visit: A Personal Checklist

    • Am I reaching out to support them—or to reduce my own discomfort?
    • Have I noticed they want space or conversation lately?
    • Am I offering something they need, or just more decisions?
    • Am I okay with not getting a response?
    • Do I understand their faith or culture—or should I gently ask?

    Reminder: Support doesn’t always need to involve words. Sometimes presence alone is enough.

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    A Grief-Aware Workplace

    Grief-aware workplaces aren’t just reactive—they are proactive, compassionate, and culturally mindful.

    • Flexible reentry policies after loss
    • Managers trained to lead with empathy and patience
    • Team awareness of milestones (e.g. anniversaries)
    • Permission for grief breaks or camera-off meetings
    • Respect for mourning rituals across faiths

    “Healthy teams hold space—not just productivity. They know grief isn’t weakness. It’s love with nowhere to go.”

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    When Support Becomes Too Much

    Even kindness can become overwhelming when it comes from every direction all at once.

    Signs of Support Fatigue:

    • Delayed or no responses
    • Emotional withdrawal or irritability
    • Increased absence or “busy” behavior

    What Helps Instead:

    • One designated contact person from the team
    • Low-pressure actions like meals, childcare, errands
    • Permission for space: “I’m here when you need, and also if you need quiet.”

    “You can still be present without being visible. Quiet care counts.” — Solviah

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    If You Barely Know Them, But Still Care

    You don’t need to be close to be kind.

    • Leave a note or card: “Thinking of you and wishing you comfort.”
    • Offer a gentle smile or nod without words
    • Say a simple, warm line like: “Just wanted to say—I’m sorry for your loss.”

    Tip: Avoid saying nothing at all. A small gesture makes a big difference.

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    Support Timeline

    Time Frame What Helps Most
    Week 1–2 Brief check-ins, flexibility, meals, shared silence
    Week 3–4 Soft reentry, task-sharing, grace for forgetfulness
    Month 2–3 Remembering milestones; invitations with no pressure
    After Month 3 Long-term support, sensitivity to emotional waves

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    Supporting Grief in Remote or Hybrid Work

    Digital distance doesn’t protect people from grief—it just hides it better.

    Helpful Practices:

    • Send a private message acknowledging the loss
    • Offer flexibility on deadlines or camera-off days
    • Let them lead in how much they want to talk or share

    What to Avoid:

    • Forcing video meetings
    • Assuming they’re “fine” because they’re responsive
    • Going silent—especially when others in-office offer support

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    For Team Leaders and HR

    If you manage a team or work in HR, your compassion sets the tone.

    • Check in privately: “We’re so sorry for your loss. What would support look like for you right now?”
    • Provide autonomy: Ask if they prefer quiet return or open acknowledgment
    • Encourage peer boundaries: One designated point of contact can reduce emotional overwhelm
    • Support long-term: Grief resurfaces months later. Stay aware around holidays and anniversaries

    “Compassionate leadership is not just kind—it’s protective.” — Solviah

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    You don’t need the right words—you just need to show up with love.

    Share Your Story

    Have you supported a grieving coworker—or been the one grieving at work?

    Share what helped (or hurt) in the comments below. Your story may offer peace and practical guidance to someone else navigating the same season.

    Glossary

    • Grief – The emotional and psychological response to loss.
    • Bereavement – The mourning period following the death of someone close.
    • Disenfranchised grief – Grief that is not socially acknowledged or supported.
    • Cognitive fog – A state of forgetfulness or distraction often experienced during grief.

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    References

    • Bonanno, G. A., Papa, A., Lalande, K., Zhang, N., & Noll, J. G. (2005). Grief processing and deliberate grief avoidance. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(4), 679–684.
    • Wortman, C. B., & Silver, R. C. (2001). The myths of coping with loss revisited. In Stroebe, M. S., et al. (Eds.), Handbook of bereavement research (pp. 405–429). APA.
    • Doka, K. J., & Martin, T. L. (2010). Grieving beyond gender: Understanding the ways men and women mourn. Routledge.

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  • Your Employee Just Lost Someone: How to Show Real Support

    Your Employee Just Lost Someone: How to Show Real Support

    How to offer genuine compassion when you’re out of words—and resources.

    You want to help, but everything you say feels wrong.

    As a leader, you’re used to solving problems. But when an employee experiences an unexpected loss—a spouse, a parent, a child—there’s no spreadsheet or strategy to make it better. You may not be able to offer time off beyond the basics. There may be no budget for flowers, meals, or grief stipends.

    But support isn’t always about resources. It’s about presence, emotional intelligence, and cultural humility.

    This guide offers grounded, evidence-informed ways to walk with your employee through grief—without overstepping, overpromising, or feeling helpless.

    💬 What Helps: Grief-Sensitive Leadership

    1. Acknowledge the Loss Immediately

    Don’t ignore it. Don’t wait.

    Even if you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, silence can feel like dismissal. A simple, heartfelt message like:

    “I was so sorry to hear what happened. Please don’t worry about work right now. I’m here to support you however I can.”

    This kind of outreach validates their experience, without asking anything of them in return.

    📚 Psych Insight: Grief researchers Stroebe & Schut (1999) describe the need to oscillate between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented processes. Acknowledgment of grief allows the bereaved to feel grounded in reality, making it easier to transition into routines when ready.

    2. Provide Emotional Flexibility, Not Just Time Off

    Bereavement policies vary—but grief doesn’t follow HR timelines.

    Even if you can’t extend paid leave, offer autonomy:

    • Allow flexible hours or remote work
    • Temporarily remove high-pressure tasks
    • Create buffer days for decompression

    This doesn’t cost money. It costs trust—and it builds loyalty.

    3. Communicate With Consent

    Ask:

    “Would you like me to inform the team, or would you prefer to keep things private for now?”

    Let the employee lead their narrative. If they’re open to team acknowledgment, it gives others the opportunity to show support in gentle, nonintrusive ways.

    4. Normalize Temporary Changes in Behavior

    Grief can show up as:

    • Forgetfulness
    • Irritability
    • Low energy
    • Social withdrawal

    These behaviors aren’t signs of disengagement. They’re symptoms of a brain processing trauma. By normalizing them without judgment, you create a safe space for healing.

    📚 Clinical Insight: According to Bonanno (2009), resilience is the norm in grief—but it’s often hidden behind visible distress. Temporary dips in performance are not red flags; they’re the cost of continuing on.

    5. Model Empathy for the Whole Team

    You set the tone. If you rush your employee back into productivity, the team will do the same. If you show grace, others will follow.

    This might sound like:

    “Let’s give them extra space this week—no urgent follow-ups unless it’s essential.”

    “Just a heads-up: they’re going through something heavy. Let’s be gentle with timelines.”

    🚫 What Hurts: Common Missteps

    1. Dismissing Grief with Platitudes

    Avoid:

    • “They’re in a better place.”
    • “At least you had time with them.”
    • “Everything happens for a reason.”

    Even well-intended, these statements can feel minimizing. You don’t need to make sense of someone else’s pain.

    2. Offering Comparisons

    Don’t share your grief unless invited; instead, prioritize their experience and offer them the space to express their feelings. Grief is a deeply personal journey and should never feel like a competition. By listening empathetically, you validate their emotions and help create a safe environment for healing. Focus on being present and supportive, always respecting the unique nature of their journey.

    3. Disappearing After Week One

    Grief lingers long after the funeral, often surfacing at unexpected moments and in overwhelming ways. Reach out regularly, not just in the immediate days following the loss, but throughout the months ahead, as silence can foster a sense of isolation. A heartfelt message or a simple phone call can offer immense comfort, gently reminding those who are grieving that they are not alone in their journey. As time goes on, continued support becomes an essential lifeline, allowing them to navigate their feelings and heal at a pace that feels right for them.

    🗣️ What to Say (And What Not To)

    ✅ Phrases to Say:

    • “I’m here if you ever need space or someone to talk to.”
    • “No pressure to reply—just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.”
    • “Would it help if I took something off your plate this week?”

    ❌ Phrases to Avoid:

    • “You’re strong, you’ve got this.”
    • “It was their time.”
    • “Let me know if you need anything.” (Instead, offer something specific.)

    For more on this, explore our Grief & Healing page.

    🌍 Cultural & Spiritual Sensitivity

    Grief practices are not universal. Silence may be sacred in one culture and avoided in another. Fasting, rituals, memorials, or periods of solitude may differ.

    Ask respectfully:

    “Are there any cultural or spiritual practices you’re observing that we should be mindful of?”

    Then step back. Listen. Respect. Your humility may be remembered more than your words.

    Explore more in our Culture & Spirituality section.

    ✉️ Scripts for Real Situations

    📩 First Email or Message

    “Hi [Name], I just heard about your loss, and I wanted to extend my heartfelt condolences. Please take all the time you need. We’re thinking of you, and I’m here for anything you might need—big or small.”

    💼 Return to Work Welcome

    “Welcome back, [Name]. There’s no pressure to dive back into everything at once. We’re here to support you however you need, and your wellbeing comes first.”

    📅 Holiday or Anniversary Check-In

    “I know this season might bring up a lot. Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and am here if you need anything at all.”

    ✅ Before You Act: A Manager’s Checklist

    • 🔲 Have I acknowledged the loss without prying?
    • 🔲 Have I offered specific, no-pressure support?
    • 🔲 Have I adjusted workload or deadlines where possible?
    • 🔲 Have I given the team guidance on how to be respectful?
    • 🔲 Am I prepared to keep checking in—without being overbearing?

    🧰 Manager’s Grief Response Toolkit (Written Version)

    Principles of Care:

    • Lead with compassion, not correction
    • Focus on flexibility, not fixes
    • Speak with empathy, not urgency

    Key Phrases:

    • “There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.”
    • “You don’t have to carry everything today.”
    • “Would it help if I… [offered concrete support]?”

    Leadership Reminders:

    • Grief isn’t unprofessional—it’s human.
    • Your presence matters more than your performance.
    • Support without solutions is still support.

    Explore More:

    References (APA Style):

    • Bonanno, G. A. (2009). The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss. Basic Books.
    • Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224.
    • Center for Workplace Mental Health. (2022). Supporting Employees Through Grief. Retrieved from https://workplacementalhealth.org
  • Coping with Grief in the Workplace: How to Heal While Navigating Work Responsibilities

    Coping with Grief in the Workplace: How to Heal While Navigating Work Responsibilities

    “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot.” — Jamie Anderson

    Grief doesn’t follow a schedule—and it certainly doesn’t stay at home when you return to work. Whether you’re grieving the death of a loved one, a miscarriage, or another profound loss, the emotional weight can show up in your job in unexpected and difficult ways. If you’re trying to cope with grief while working, you’re not alone—and there is support.

    According to the American Hospice Foundation, grief-related productivity loss in U.S. workplaces amounts to over $75 billion per year. But this figure isn’t just economic—it reflects the human cost of working through loss without proper grief support.

    This article explores how grief manifests in professional life and offers research-based, therapeutic strategies for healing after loss—without sacrificing your emotional wellness or job stability.

    What Grief Looks Like at Work

    Grief affects your body, brain, and behaviors—and this often shows up at work as:

    • Mental fog, forgetfulness, or difficulty concentrating
    • Fatigue or lack of motivation
    • Increased emotional sensitivity or irritability
    • Withdrawal from coworkers or social settings
    • Dread toward tasks you previously enjoyed

    These symptoms are part of the normal grieving process. However, many work environments aren’t designed to support emotional healing. You may feel pressure to “be okay” quickly or fear that vulnerability could harm your performance or reputation.

    What the Research Says: Grief and the Brain

    Grieving isn’t just emotional—it’s neurological. According to neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor (2019), grief activates the brain’s pain and attachment centers, impacting memory, decision-making, and mood regulation. That’s why tasks that used to feel easy can suddenly feel overwhelming.

    Long-term grief that goes unacknowledged can lead to Prolonged Grief Disorder, a clinical condition affecting around 10% of bereaved individuals (Prigerson et al., 2009). Symptoms can include persistent yearning, detachment, and difficulty resuming normal activities.

    Your Rights: Understanding Bereavement Leave

    Bereavement leave policies vary. In the U.S., most companies are not legally required to offer paid leave unless it’s specified in a benefits plan. However, some states (like Oregon or California) do mandate short bereavement leaves.

    Action Tip:

    • Check your employee handbook or talk to HR.
    • Ask about Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) which often include counseling.
    • If you’re uncomfortable sharing details, you can simply say, “I’m grieving a personal loss and would like to request flexible time or support.”

    Therapeutic Coping Strategies for the Workplace

    These strategies, rooted in psychology and grief counseling, can help you cope with grief at work in healthy ways:

    1. Name Your Needs

    Instead of pushing through silently, give your grief space. You can journal before work or text a trusted friend:

    “Today I’m feeling heavy. I need to take it slow.”

    Naming your emotional state activates self-awareness and self-compassion—essential tools for healing (Bonanno & Kaltman, 2001).

    2. Anchor Your Day with Micro-Rituals

    Even in grief, small routines can ground you. Try:

    • Drinking tea from a mug that reminds you of your loved one
    • Taking a walk during your break
    • Lighting a candle when you return home to symbolize reflection

    3. Use Box Breathing to Reset Emotionally

    Inhale (4 seconds) – Hold (4) – Exhale (4) – Hold (4)

    This evidence-based stress technique helps calm anxiety and increase focus. Use it before meetings, emails, or moments of overwhelm.

    4. Journal Prompt for Processing Grief

    Try this after your workday:

    “Right now, I feel… because…”

    Let yourself express the raw truth, without judgment. Writing helps shift emotions from the subconscious to conscious awareness (Pennebaker & Seagal, 1999).

    5. Talk to Someone You Trust

    Consider grief counseling, especially if you’re struggling to function. Therapy can help unpack emotional patterns and reduce the risk of isolation or burnout.

    What About Coworkers? How to Ask for Support (or Space)

    You don’t owe anyone your story—but gentle communication helps avoid misunderstandings. You might say:

    • “I’m managing a personal loss and may be a bit quieter than usual.”
    • “I appreciate your support—I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

    For Employers and Colleagues: Supporting a Grieving Team Member

    If you’re a leader or peer, here’s how you can help someone dealing with grief at work:

    • Acknowledge the loss without forcing conversation
    • Offer flexibility (deadlines, meetings, time off)
    • Avoid clichés like “everything happens for a reason”
    • Provide practical help—take on a task, check in later
    • Encourage use of EAPs or grief resources

    Recommended Resources for Healing After Loss

    • The Grieving Brain – Mary-Frances O’Connor, Ph.D.
    • Bearing the Unbearable – Joanne Cacciatore, Ph.D.
    • Option B – Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant
    • It’s OK That You’re Not OK – Megan Devine

    You Deserve Time to Grieve—Even at Work

    Grief is not weakness. It is love in transition. And love deserves room to breathe—even in boardrooms and break rooms.

    Whether you’re just returning to work or months into navigating loss in the workplace, know this: you’re not broken, you’re not alone, and with the right support, healing is possible.

References

  • Bonanno, G. A., & Kaltman, S. (2001). The varieties of grief experience. Clinical Psychology Review, 21(5), 705–734. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0272-7358(00)00062-3
  • O’Connor, M.-F. (2019). Grief: A Brief History of Research on How Body, Mind, and Brain Adapt. Psychosomatic Medicine, 81(8), 731–738. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0000000000000717
  • Pennebaker, J. W., & Seagal, J. D. (1999). Forming a story: The health benefits of narrative. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 55(10), 1243–1254.
  • Prigerson, H. G., et al. (2009). Prolonged Grief Disorder: Psychometric Validation of Criteria. PLoS Medicine, 6(8), e1000121. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000121