“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and the hollow part of your chest.” — Jamie Anderson
Grief is universal, yet deeply personal. It weaves itself into the fabric of our lives differently for everyone. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a life-altering diagnosis, or the end of a cherished relationship, grief shows up in unexpected ways. Some cry daily, others become numb. Some dive into work, others can’t get out of bed. And that’s okay.
Why Everyone Grieves Differently
Grief is shaped by a constellation of factors: the nature of the loss, personality, attachment style, mental health history, support systems, spiritual beliefs, and even cultural upbringing.
Even within families, two siblings mourning the same parent may have entirely different emotional reactions based on their role in the family, closeness with the deceased, and previous life experiences.
Grief also varies across time. Someone may feel like they’re coping well, only to be blindsided by a wave of sadness months—or years—later.
Breaking the Myth of the “Five Stages”
Modern grief psychology urges us to reject the idea of neat, sequential stages. Instead, grief is nonlinear. You may bounce between emotions, revisit some, or never experience others. And that doesn’t mean you’re grieving wrong.
Psychological Insights: What the Research Says
- Resilience is more common than we think. Bonanno and Kaltman (2001) found that many bereaved individuals maintain stable mental health and functioning, experiencing moments of grief without becoming incapacitated by it.
- We oscillate between loss and restoration. Stroebe, Schut, and Boerner (2017) describe the Dual Process Model, in which grievers alternate between confronting their loss and focusing on everyday life.
- Making meaning supports healing. Neimeyer, Klass, and Dennis (2014) emphasized that those who engage in meaning-making—like creating rituals, journaling, or telling stories about the deceased—experience deeper, more integrated healing.
- Grief is not an illness. Therapist Megan Devine reminds us, “Grief is not a problem to be solved; it’s an experience to be carried.”
Therapeutic Coping Strategies That Honor Individual Grief
1. Try Expressive Writing
Backed by: Pennebaker & Beall, 1986
Writing about your emotions helps process trauma, reduce rumination, and regulate your nervous system.
Journal Prompt: What would you say to your loved one if you had one more day with them? Write without editing, judgment, or worrying about grammar.
2. Practice Mindful Breathing
Mindfulness helps anchor you during moments of emotional overwhelm and physical distress.
Box Breathing Technique:
- Inhale for 4 counts
- Hold for 4 counts
- Exhale for 4 counts
- Hold for 4 counts
Repeat for 3–5 minutes.
3. Join a Grief Support Group
Support groups normalize your experience and offer empathy from those who understand.
Try:
- GriefShare.org
- Local hospice or spiritual centers
- Online forums like Reddit’s r/griefsupport
4. Engage in Meaning-Making Activities
Creating something that honors your loss can transform grief into legacy.
Ideas:
- Start a memory garden
- Create an annual tradition
- Make a scrapbook or photo album
- Volunteer in your loved one’s name
Recommended Reading: Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief
Honoring Grief’s Diversity
There’s no “right way” to mourn. Some people cry every morning. Others throw themselves into work. Some need quiet. Others need company. All of it is valid.
A Deeper Kind of Healing
Grief doesn’t end—it evolves. It becomes part of your story, your strength, your soul. Healing after loss means creating space for sorrow and joy to coexist.
References
- Bonanno, G. A., & Kaltman, S. (2001). The varieties of grief experience. Clinical Psychology Review, 21(5), 705–734.
- Jordan, J. R., & Neimeyer, R. A. (2003). Does grief counseling work?. Death Studies, 27(9), 765–786.
- Neimeyer, R. A., Klass, D., & Dennis, M. R. (2014). A social constructionist account of grief: Loss and the narration of meaning. Death Studies, 38(6), 485–498.
- Pennebaker, J. W., & Beall, S. K. (1986). Confronting a traumatic event: Toward an understanding of inhibition and disease. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 95(3), 274–281.
- Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Boerner, K. (2017). Cautioning health-care professionals: Bereaved persons are misguided through the stages of grief. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying, 74(4), 455–473.
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