Honoring Life, Embracing Memories

Category: Infertility & Miscarriage

  • Still a Mother: For the Ones Missing a Child on Mother’s Day

    Still a Mother: For the Ones Missing a Child on Mother’s Day

    A quiet space for the ones missing a child today. You are not alone here.


    💔 Still a Mother

    You felt it before you opened your eyes.
    That quiet heaviness. That ache beneath your ribs.

    Today is Mother’s Day.

    You stood in the kitchen this morning and didn’t know what to do with your hands.
    You scrolled past the posts.
    You smiled when someone said it—just to survive the moment.

    You haven’t forgotten.
    Your body hasn’t forgotten.
    And love like that doesn’t disappear.

    Even if no one says their name.
    Even if no one says yours.

    You are still a mother.
    You don’t have to be okay today.
    And you are not alone.

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    🫁 To the Mother Who Can’t Breathe Today

    You’ve already made it through hours.
    Maybe you answered messages.
    Maybe you stayed silent.

    Underneath it all, you’re holding something sharp.
    The ache. The anger. The emptiness.
    The weight of what should have been.

    You might feel jealous. Then guilty.
    You might feel nothing at all.

    That doesn’t make you weak.
    It makes you human.

    Mother’s Day can feel like salt in a wound.

    And still—here you are.
    Breathing.
    That’s enough.

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    🕊️ You Are Still a Mother

    Even if no one says it.
    Even if your arms are empty.
    Even if your motherhood looks nothing like theirs.

    You carried love—and you still do.
    You show up for a child the world can’t see.
    You keep going with a heart that has been torn open.

    That’s not weakness.
    That’s a different kind of strength.

    You are still a mother.
    Not in spite of the grief.
    Because of the love that never left.

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    🤍 If You Love a Mother Who’s Grieving Today

    Don’t just tell her she’s strong.
    See her pain, too.

    See the part of her that’s smiling and screaming at the same time.
    The part that showed up to the party, but hasn’t breathed since she walked in.
    The part that’s quiet—but carrying the weight of a lifetime.

    You don’t need to fix it.
    You don’t need the right words.
    You just need to show up. And stay.

    Say her child’s name.
    Say you remember.
    Say nothing, if that’s what the moment calls for.
    But be there.

    Her strength isn’t in pretending she’s fine.
    It’s in feeling everything and still finding a way to move through the day.

    Grief doesn’t need a rescue.
    It needs a witness.

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    💬 From Mothers Who’ve Been There

    “The world moved on. But I never stopped being her mom.”
    —Mother of a stillborn daughter

    “I mother in memories now. And in love that never left.”
    —Mother of a son gone too soon

    “Grief didn’t end. But neither did my love.”
    —Anonymous

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    📩 If You’re Not Sure What to Say

    It’s okay if you don’t have the perfect words.
    You don’t have to fix her day.
    But your message might be the one thing that reminds her she’s not alone.

    Try this:

    “I know today might be painful. I’m thinking of you and your baby. You’re still a mother. I see you.”

    “No words—just love. I’m here.”

    One honest message means more than a thousand silent scrolls.

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    🔁 Before You Go

    If this met you in the quiet,
    if it reminded you of something true—

    share it with someone who should see it.

    With someone who’s grieving.
    With someone who wants to support but doesn’t know how.

    No one should carry this kind of love alone.

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    📚 Suggested Reading

    • Bonanno, G. A. (2009). The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss. Basic Books.
    • American Psychological Association. (2020). Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one
    • Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy (5th ed.). Springer Publishing.
  • Infertility, Miscarriage, and Mother’s Day: Coping with Guilt, Grief, and Invisible Loss

    Infertility, Miscarriage, and Mother’s Day: Coping with Guilt, Grief, and Invisible Loss

    🌸 Table of Contents


    “I wanted to stay home. But I went to brunch for my mother. I smiled for the photo. I toasted with mimosas. I didn’t cry until the car ride home.”

    This is what Mother’s Day looks like for many women who are grieving infertility or pregnancy loss.

    Sometimes, it’s sitting through church as they hand out flowers to moms. Sometimes, it’s dodging group texts about brunch. Sometimes, it’s scrolling past photo after photo of handmade cards and families you wanted to be part of.

    💔 The Ache That Has No Name

    You might not have a name for what you’re feeling. But what you might really be feeling is grief—the grief of someone you never got to meet. Of a future you imagined but couldn’t hold.

    This kind of grief is called ambiguous grief. And on a day like Mother’s Day, when the world turns glittery and loud, it can feel unbearable.

    😔 What Guilt Feels Like When You Can’t Have a Baby

    You might think:

    • “Maybe if I had started sooner…”
    • “Maybe this is punishment.”

    But guilt is a liar. It shows up when we feel powerless. Dr. George Bonanno explains that guilt often masks helplessness and loss of control (Bonanno, 2009).

    🕊️ A Special Kind of Guilt: When You Did Do Something

    Maybe you delayed motherhood. Maybe you had an abortion, or lived through addiction, or something that still feels like your fault.

    “You made the best decision you could with what you had, who you were, and what you knew at the time.”

    ✍️ Journal Prompt

    What decision have I been punishing myself for?
    What does Mother’s Day bring up about this choice?
    What would someone who loved me say back?

    🌿 If You’ve Lost a Pregnancy

    Miscarriage grief is not the same as infertility, but it walks beside it. Some women carry both stories—and both deserve space.

    “You are a mother. Even if your arms are empty.” — SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

    ✍️ Journal Prompt

    What would I say to the baby I carried, even for a short time?
    What do I want them to know about how loved they were?

    Ritual: Light a candle and whisper their name—or simply say “my little one.” Let that be enough today.

    🛑 Surviving Mother’s Day

    You can be kind and still say no—to the brunch, the church service, the school event. Protecting your heart is not selfish. It’s sacred.

    🌬️ Breathing Mantra

    Inhale: My love is real.
    Exhale: I release blame.

    Repeat five times. Let this be your breath prayer when words are too much.

    🤝 What You Wish Others Knew

    Yes—it’s okay to reach out. Even if it’s been months. Even if you’re not sure what to say. Especially on Mother’s Day.

    Say:
    “I know today might be hard. No need to respond—I just want you to know I’m thinking of you.”

    Avoid:
    Advice. Comparisons. Or saying “Happy Mother’s Day” unless you’re sure it’s welcome.

    🪶 A Different Kind of Ending

    There’s no bow to tie around this grief. But there can be room.

    On a day like Mother’s Day, when the world feels loud and full, you deserve a quiet space to grieve what never was—or what didn’t last. Or what you hoped might still be.

    You can still be seen. You can still be heard. You can still be held.

    Leave a comment if this spoke to you. You don’t have to explain everything. Just say you were here. That matters.

    📚 References

    • American Psychological Association. (2020). Infertility and mental health.
      View Source
    • Bonanno, G. A. (2009). The Other Side of Sadness. Basic Books.
    • Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised Grief. Lexington Books.
    • Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK. Sounds True.
    • Samuel, J. (2017). Grief Works. Scribner.
    • SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support. (2023).
      Visit Website
    • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022). Infertility.
      CDC Infertility Page
  • Supporting a Grieving Friend After Miscarriage or Infertility

    Supporting a Grieving Friend After Miscarriage or Infertility

    You want to help, but everything you say feels wrong.

    You sit with your phone in your hand, staring at the screen. What could possibly make this better? “I’m sorry”? “Thinking of you”? Nothing feels right. You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing—so you say nothing.

    But your silence might hurt more than your stumble.

    This guide offers gentle, real-world ways to support someone experiencing miscarriage or infertility—grounded in psychology, etiquette, and spiritual kindness.

    🌿 Why This Grief Hurts So Much

    This isn’t just sadness. It’s grief over a future that never arrived. A nursery unpainted. A name never whispered aloud. A story interrupted before it began.

    “I didn’t just lose a pregnancy. I lost bedtime stories, birthday cakes, and the feeling of tiny arms around my neck.”

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    💛 What Helps

    1. Gentle presence
    “I’m here if you ever want to talk—or not talk.” Just showing up quietly can be a gift.

    2. Acts of service
    Drop off meals. Offer rides. Water their plants. Love in action often speaks louder than words.

    3. Remembering dates
    Mark the due date, the loss, or even the silence. Send a note: “Thinking of you today.”

    4. Symbolic gestures
    Light a candle, gift a stone, or help plant a flower. Honor the invisible with something tangible.

    5. Open-ended support
    Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try: “Would it help if I ran an errand or sent soup?”

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    ⚠️ What Hurts

    • “At least you were early.”
    • “Everything happens for a reason.”
    • “You can try again.”
    • “It wasn’t meant to be.”
    • Silence. Ignoring their pain completely.

    These phrases often minimize or erase grief. When in doubt, say less—but mean more.

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    🗣️ What to Say (and What Not To)

    Words That Comfort

    • “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how much this hurts.”
    • “I’m here with you. I don’t have the right words, but I’m not going anywhere.”
    • “This grief is real. Your loss matters.”
    • “Would you like to tell me about them?”
    • “Would you like space, or would it help to talk?”

    Words to Avoid

    • “Everything happens for a reason.”
    • “At least it wasn’t later.”
    • “You can always adopt.”
    • “It wasn’t meant to be.”
    • “It’s better this way.”

    “When in doubt, say less and listen more. Their grief isn’t a puzzle to solve—it’s a wound to witness.”

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    ✅ Before You Text or Visit…

    Use this simple reflection checklist before reaching out:

    • Am I centering them and not my discomfort?
    • Have I avoided offering fixes or spiritual platitudes?
    • Have I created space for silence, if that’s what they need?
    • Am I okay being present without a clear “role”?
    • Have I offered something simple and supportive?

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    ⏳ Supporting Them Long-Term

    Grief doesn’t fade quickly. Sometimes it doesn’t fade at all—it just changes shape.

    Ways to Show You Still Remember

    • Send a gentle text on their due date or milestone day.
    • Invite them into life, but honor their “no” without pressure.
    • Ask them again how they are, even months later.
    • Celebrate healing steps, but never assume they’re “over it.”

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    🕯️ Ritual, Reflection, and Spiritual Space

    Honor their beliefs, even if they’re different from your own. Create space for comfort, tradition, and silence.

    “Grief is love with nowhere to go.” — Jamie Anderson

    Consider asking:

    “Do you have a way you like to remember or honor them? I’d love to support that.”

    Learn more in Culture & Spirituality.

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    🏢 Support at Work or as an Acquaintance

    • Send a card, note, or flower—not a text.
    • Don’t expect them to “bounce back.”
    • Give them grace in deadlines and conversation.
    • Support policies for bereavement leave or counseling.
    • Say something—acknowledgement goes a long way.

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    🤲 10 Silent Gestures of Support

    • 🕯️ Light a candle in their honor and text a photo
    • 🌸 Leave flowers or tea on their doorstep
    • ✉️ Mail a handwritten card with no expectations
    • 🧺 Drop off groceries or laundry service
    • 📅 Send a calendar invite for a quiet walk
    • 🧸 Donate a toy or blanket in the baby’s name
    • 📚 Gift a journal, art set, or grief book
    • 🚘 Offer to drive them to an appointment
    • 🌱 Plant something that grows
    • 🕊️ Sit with them in silence without advice

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    📖 Glossary

    • Miscarriage: Loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks
    • Stillbirth: Loss after 20 weeks gestation
    • Infertility: Inability to conceive after 12 months
    • IVF: In-vitro fertilization (assisted reproduction)
    • Disenfranchised grief: Grief that’s not publicly acknowledged or supported

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    📝 A Note from the Author

    If you’re grieving—this space is for you too. Your pain is valid. Your story matters. You are not forgotten.

    To the friend who wants to help: it’s okay not to have the right words. Your kindness, even when clumsy, is a powerful comfort.

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    💬 Share Your Voice

    Have you supported someone through miscarriage or infertility? Or gone through it yourself? Your insight could be a lifeline for someone else.

    Please share your story or encouragement in the comments below. You never know who might need it.

    References

    • Badenhorst, W., & Hughes, P. (2007). Psychological aspects of miscarriage: Attitudes of medical professionals. British Journal of General Practice, 57(543), 878–880.
    • Lang, A., Fleiszer, A., Duhamel, F., Sword, W., Gilbert, K., & Corsini-Munt, S. (2011). Perinatal loss and parental grief. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 63(2), 183–196.
    • Worden, J. W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy (4th ed.). Springer Publishing.