Solviah

Honoring Life, Embracing Memories

Infertility, Miscarriage, and Mother’s Day: Coping with Guilt, Grief, and Invisible Loss

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🌸 Table of Contents

“I wanted to stay home. But I went to brunch for my mother. I smiled for the photo. I toasted with mimosas. I didn’t cry until the car ride home.”

This is what Mother’s Day looks like for many women who are grieving infertility or pregnancy loss.

Sometimes, it’s sitting through church as they hand out flowers to moms. Sometimes, it’s dodging group texts about brunch. Sometimes, it’s scrolling past photo after photo of handmade cards and families you wanted to be part of.

💔 The Ache That Has No Name

You might not have a name for what you’re feeling. But what you might really be feeling is grief—the grief of someone you never got to meet. Of a future you imagined but couldn’t hold.

This kind of grief is called ambiguous grief. And on a day like Mother’s Day, when the world turns glittery and loud, it can feel unbearable.

😔 What Guilt Feels Like When You Can’t Have a Baby

You might think:

  • “Maybe if I had started sooner…”
  • “Maybe this is punishment.”

But guilt is a liar. It shows up when we feel powerless. Dr. George Bonanno explains that guilt often masks helplessness and loss of control (Bonanno, 2009).

🕊️ A Special Kind of Guilt: When You Did Do Something

Maybe you delayed motherhood. Maybe you had an abortion, or lived through addiction, or something that still feels like your fault.

“You made the best decision you could with what you had, who you were, and what you knew at the time.”

✍️ Journal Prompt

What decision have I been punishing myself for?
What does Mother’s Day bring up about this choice?
What would someone who loved me say back?

🌿 If You’ve Lost a Pregnancy

Miscarriage grief is not the same as infertility, but it walks beside it. Some women carry both stories—and both deserve space.

“You are a mother. Even if your arms are empty.” — SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support

✍️ Journal Prompt

What would I say to the baby I carried, even for a short time?
What do I want them to know about how loved they were?

Ritual: Light a candle and whisper their name—or simply say “my little one.” Let that be enough today.

🛑 Surviving Mother’s Day

You can be kind and still say no—to the brunch, the church service, the school event. Protecting your heart is not selfish. It’s sacred.

🌬️ Breathing Mantra

Inhale: My love is real.
Exhale: I release blame.

Repeat five times. Let this be your breath prayer when words are too much.

🤝 What You Wish Others Knew

Yes—it’s okay to reach out. Even if it’s been months. Even if you’re not sure what to say. Especially on Mother’s Day.

Say:
“I know today might be hard. No need to respond—I just want you to know I’m thinking of you.”

Avoid:
Advice. Comparisons. Or saying “Happy Mother’s Day” unless you’re sure it’s welcome.

🪶 A Different Kind of Ending

There’s no bow to tie around this grief. But there can be room.

On a day like Mother’s Day, when the world feels loud and full, you deserve a quiet space to grieve what never was—or what didn’t last. Or what you hoped might still be.

You can still be seen. You can still be heard. You can still be held.

Leave a comment if this spoke to you. You don’t have to explain everything. Just say you were here. That matters.

📚 References

  • American Psychological Association. (2020). Infertility and mental health.
    View Source
  • Bonanno, G. A. (2009). The Other Side of Sadness. Basic Books.
  • Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised Grief. Lexington Books.
  • Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK. Sounds True.
  • Samuel, J. (2017). Grief Works. Scribner.
  • SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support. (2023).
    Visit Website
  • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022). Infertility.
    CDC Infertility Page

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