When someone we care about is grieving, we often find ourselves at a loss for words. We desperately want to help, but the fear of saying the wrong thing can leave us feeling helpless. Thankfully, research and insights from grief counselors offer clear, compassionate guidance on how to support someone grieving. Understanding what to say—and equally importantly, what not to say—can empower you to provide meaningful comfort during one of life’s hardest moments.
Empowered Support: Your Role Matters
Firstly, recognize your presence and willingness to offer comfort is invaluable. This might look like sitting quietly beside your friend, holding their hand, or simply being available to listen without judgment. Sometimes, just being in the same room—folding laundry together or sharing a quiet meal—can communicate support more powerfully than any words. According to psychologist Dr. Alan Wolfelt, supporting someone who is grieving is less about finding the perfect words and more about offering genuine presence and empathy (Wolfelt, 2021).
Practical Guidance: What to Say and What to Avoid
Supporting a grieving friend involves careful consideration of your words. Here are practical “dos” and “don’ts” to guide your conversations:
Do:
- Acknowledge the Loss Clearly: Mention the person by name and acknowledge the loss directly. For example, say, “I’m so sorry about your mother’s passing. She was a wonderful person.” This validates the loss and shows you’re not afraid to talk about it.
- Offer Specific Help: Instead of vague offers like “Let me know if you need anything,” suggest specific ways to help, such as:
- “I’m free Wednesday afternoon—can I take the kids for a few hours?”
- “Would you like help organizing thank-you notes next week?”
- “Can I bring over groceries or run errands for you this weekend?”
- Express Genuine Empathy: Share heartfelt sentiments like “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. I’m here to listen whenever you feel ready to talk.” Avoid trying to solve their pain—just witness it with compassion.
- Follow Up Regularly: Grief does not have a timeline. After the initial weeks pass, many people stop reaching out. A text every few weeks, a check-in call after a holiday, or remembering the birthday of the deceased can go a long way. Let them know they are not alone in the long haul.
Don’t:
- Minimize the Loss: Avoid phrases like “At least they’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason.” These statements, though well-meaning, can feel dismissive of deep pain.
- Make It About You: Unless specifically invited, avoid sharing your own stories of grief. These can unintentionally shift the focus and may not resonate with their unique experience.
- Rush Their Grief: Everyone grieves differently. Comments like “You should be moving on by now” or “It’s been months” can cause guilt or shame. Let them grieve at their own pace.
- Avoidance: Ignoring the loss or pretending nothing happened can make the person feel invisible. Even a simple “I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry” is far better than silence.
What to Say Instead of “Let Me Know”
Grieving individuals often feel emotionally overwhelmed and unsure of how to articulate their needs. Phrases like “Let me know if you need anything” put the onus on them to reach out, which many find difficult.
Try saying:
- “I’m heading to the grocery store tomorrow. Can I pick up anything for you?”
- “Can I drop off dinner for you and your family this weekend?”
- “Would you like company tonight, or would you prefer some quiet time?”
Offering specific options signals that you’re truly willing to help and not just being polite. Psychologically, this kind of offer removes decision fatigue and lowers the emotional barrier to accepting help.
Closing Tip: A Powerful Extra
Research emphasizes the healing power of simply listening. Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, a leading expert on grief counseling, suggests that active, compassionate listening often provides more comfort than any words you could say (Doka, 2017). You can show you’re listening by nodding, maintaining eye contact, or saying, “That sounds incredibly hard.”
When in doubt, sit with them, say their loved one’s name, and allow the silence to speak volumes. Your willingness to witness their grief without trying to fix it is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
Shareable Encouragement
Supporting a grieving friend is a deeply compassionate act of kindness and empathy. By thoughtfully choosing your words and actions, you become a vital source of comfort and strength. Share this guide with others who want to learn how to support someone grieving. If you’re reading this, consider sending a message or small act of care to someone today—even a simple text can make a world of difference.
References
Doka, K. J. (2017). Grief Is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss. Atria Books.
Wolfelt, A. D. (2021). Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. Companion Press.
Zisook, S., & Shear, K. (2009). Grief and bereavement: What psychiatrists need to know. World Psychiatry, 8(2), 67-74. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.2051-5545.2009.tb00217.x
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